Today would have been our 10th wedding anniversary.
We met on 12/12/12 at an “End of the world” party. Apparently the apocalypse was just running about 13.5 years behind schedule. We’d joke that it was the end of the world as we knew it. For almost 14 years, that man was my favorite person in the entire world. He was my best friend. He was the person I told everything to and could spend an entire weekend doing nothing together. We got so excited about uninterrupted time together because we were each other’s person.
Even when we fought, we could still make each other laugh. He loved my smartass mouth so much that he’d sometimes have to call a “Time Out” in the middle of an argument just so he could laugh and tell me “That was a good one” or just to hug each other because we knew the other one was hurting. We couldn’t stand being upset with each other, but he loved getting a reaction out of me.
Even when things were hard, we still loved each other through it. no matter what was going on in our lives, he still thought I was the greatest thing in the world and was my number one fan. Nobody has ever loved me the way Doug did, and I’ll never love another person the way I loved him. He made me feel protected and unconditionally loved. I miss the way he’d greet me with a “Hey baby” as he wrapped his long arms around me. Sometimes there’d be a song he made up with my name in it. Like “oh baby baby my Catie baby” sang like he was salt n peppa. I miss telling him about my day. I miss laughing with him. Even after all those years together he still knew how to make me laugh until I cried.
I’ve always been the kind of person who really enjoyed my alone time but now I’m lonely for him. I never had to explain who I was to Doug because he already knew and accepted me the way I was. He knew when I was overstimulated and needed a break. If we were with people, he’d take over conversations so I didn’t have to talk. He knew exactly what I needed without me having to say a word.
When I’d get up in the middle of the night, he’d always hold the blankets up for me as I was getting into bed and he’d snuggle back up and get me tucked back in with a kiss on my shoulder. He peeled my clementines and would have the heating pad turned on and warming for me on my bad days. He was always picking me flowers and finding bones for me. He’d text me throughout the day just to see how I was doing or send me something he knew would make me laugh. He even learned how to braid and foil my hair. It was all those ordinary little kindnesses that showed me how much he cared for me. I miss those acts of love every single day.
Our life wasn’t perfect by any means. We went through some really hard times, especially at the end, but none of that changes who he was to me or the life we shared. One of the things about loving someone with physical and mental illnesses is that you get used to the ups and downs. You get used to the bad days because there’s usually a good day somewhere around the corner. So you tell yourself it’s just another bad day. Then those bad days turn into weeks, and before you know it, months have gone by and you’re still waiting for the person you love to come back. Every day is a struggle because I miss my person.
I miss my Doug. I miss the life we had and the life we planned. We were supposed to be old sitting in our rocking chairs together and die on the same day. That was the plan. I wish I could tell him happy anniversary and hear him tell me he loved me one more time. However, as much as I hate that he didn’t get to love me for the rest of my life, I am so grateful I got to love him for the rest of his.
A Favorite Song Of Theirs
Roberta Flack The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
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